


violence in the flowers where they found you

by lethallan



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst, F/F, Grief, Grief/Mourning, Ultimate Sacrifice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-22 15:10:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7443868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lethallan/pseuds/lethallan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love, lose, repeat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	violence in the flowers where they found you

Merrill doesn't miss her youth. She doesn't miss traveling until she ached, doesn't miss the sideways looks of her clanmates (which were only to get worse as the years went by), doesn't miss having exactly two friends.  
  
But if she had to choose a happy memory, just one, to sustain her, it would be this:

* * *

Mahariel had asked Merrill to join her and Tamlen on a hunt. Merrill dutifully agreed (she was a bit of a stick in the mud, then- or maybe she was just reckless now) and prepared for the occasion with her most protective robes.  
  
She was more shocked than she probably should have been when she found her two clanmates at their rendezvous point devoid of armor or weapons, and instead splashing gleefully in the cold, glimmering river.  
  
Mahariel caught her eye and grinned. Rays of light shone through the canopy of trees above and bounced off the waves, making the water sparkle and Mahariel's tan skin glow.  
  
"Come on in!"  
  
Tamlen splashed her.  
  
It took some convincing, but eventually Merrill was in her smallclothes as well, dipping a toe into the crystal water. She shrieked at how it bit, making Tamlen laugh.  
  
"Jump in, Merrill. All or nothing!"  
  
"Absolutely not!"  
  
But Mahariel was making puppy eyes at her, and Tamlen was grinning in encouragement, and for a moment Merrill felt their courage infect her.  
  
With a sharp breath, she took the plunge.

* * *

Their misadventures went on, and sunset found them in a clearing full of wildflowers. The trees cast long shadows and the first fireflies of the evening made themselves known. Instead of protesting that they should really get back to camp, Merrill laid with her head in Mahariel's lap as the slightly older girl weaved bright white daisies into black hair. Tamlen caught Merrill's eye and frowned, and she stuck her tongue out at him.  
  
Night fell upon them, and Tamlen was the first to introduce the idea of going back.  
  
"The keeper is probably worried, you know."  
  
Mahariel raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Since when do you care?"  
  
Merrill would have given anything for that day to last forever. She had to steal a few more minutes, somehow.  
  
"Wait," she said. "Close your eyes, both of you."  
  
"Why?" they asked.  
  
"Just do it," Merrill said impatiently.  
  
They obeyed, finally. Merrill prepared herself, and then began her work.  
  
The familiar, comforting flow of magic warmed her veins as she flooded the meadow with light, one colorful orb at a time. The fireflies were nothing in comparison to the arcane spectacle of her imagination. She strung glowing threads into the tangled magnolia branches, into the thickets of weeds, into the flowers themselves, until finally she was exhausted.  
  
"Open your eyes."  
  
Astonishment lit up Mahariel's face, and likely Tamlen's as well, had Merrill been watching him. Merrill cycled through various colors a couple of times before finally relaxing her body and letting the moonlight take over once more. She could hardly keep herself from passing out, and collapsed into Mahariel for support.  
  
"Merrill, that was incredible. I'm dazzled." Mahariel wrapped an arm around her and locked their eyes, her gaze pure admiration. The dark again hid Merrill's blush.  
  
Nothing ever quite compares to first love.

* * *

A month later, Tamlen disappeared and Mahariel was conscripted. The Keeper said it was the Blight; there was nothing else to be done. They said their goodbyes at sunrise, out of sight behind an aravel.  
  
"We'll meet again, yeah?" Mahariel shifted her weight and rubbed the back of her neck. "Have some faith."  
  
Tamlen had always had a few tricks up his sleeve, but his best friend had never been a good liar.  
  
Merrill knew Mahariel would take her infectious courage with her, so she made what she thought at the time would be her last stupid decision.  
  
She leaned in and pressed their lips together gently.  
  
Mahariel kissed back, harsh and wanting. The other girl's lips were chapped and tasted like blackberries. Merrill still sometimes wonders what might have been.

* * *

(Tamlen and Mahariel lived fast, and Merrill had always feared they'd one day leave her in the dust.  
  
How right she'd been. At least in death they were together.)

* * *

Kirkwall is strange.  
  
Hawke comes to visit often, as do Varric and Isabela, eventually. They take her to outings with their entire odd group. Merrill becomes less reclusive, in time, learns what it's like to have more than two friends.  
  
Hawke always asks her about her day, about how the Eluvian is coming along.  
  
"It's amazing, it is, but I think you should put yourself first every now and then, you know?"  
  
Hawke is interested, supportive, but she doesn't quite understand. No one really does.  
  
But that's alright. Hawke is gentle with her, and Hawke isn't gentle with anyone. Everyone accuses Merrill of being oblivious, and she is, a little bit. But she's not so dumb as to not notice.  
  
Marian is leaning against the wall, bright and radiant and beautiful. Merrill doesn't deserve her. But is living really about deserving?  
  
She wonders, dully, what would happen if she kissed her. She supposes there's only one way to find out.

* * *

Girlish curiosity fades into something more, and she comes to love Marian. Mahariel loved Tamlen and then she loved Merrill; Merrill loved Mahariel and now she loves Hawke. Such is the cycle of life.  
  
She no longer lives in her run-down little alienage home. She lives in Hightown, with the Champion of Kirkwall.  
  
The first time she sleeps in Marian's bed, Merrill has a nightmare, if you can call it that. In it, Tamlen visits her through the eluvian to deliver a message: he's disappointed in her. He was never fond of shems.  
  
She wakes up anxious and nudges the woman beside her, who slowly stirs awake.  
  
"Bad dream?" Hawke asks at last.  
  
Merrill says nothing, but buries herself tighter in Marian's arms.

* * *

When Hawke's mother is murdered, Merrill holds the last living Hawke as she shakes and sobs. Merrill stumbles over promises and rubs circles into her lover's back. She's never been someone's whole world before, but there's a first time for everything.  
  
"It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not-" Broken sobs, choking on her own spit.  
  
"No, it's not." agrees Merrill, firmer than she has been in a long time.

* * *

She comes to realize that Hawke is her whole world as well.  
  
When Pol dies, she has Hawke.  
  
When she sees shadows out of the corner of her eye, she has Hawke.  
  
When Kirkwall is set aflame, she has Hawke.

* * *

At the gallows, as they stand on the edge of oblivion, Merrill steals a final moment.  
  
"Whatever happens, I'm with you, ma vhenan. Does all this feel like a dream to you too?"  
  
"I love you. Whatever happens, remember that."  
  
They kiss, hungry and desperate like the world is ending- and it may very well be.  
  
She will. She will. She will.

* * *

They're sitting up on a mountain, taking in the view of Skyhold below. The snowstorm from earlier has cleared, and it's a view unlike any other.  
  
"Can you believe how far we've come?" asks Hawke, pulling a fur blanket tighter around them. Merrill is leaning on her shoulder, watching the dancing flames of the campfire.  
  
She only smiles and hums in response.

* * *

When Varric wakes her up, she can tell something is wrong. His voice shakes and his eyes are bloodshot. He grips her hand like he's dangling off the edge of a cliff and she is his only support.  
  
"We- we lost Hawke. In the fade."  
  
The Creators are playing some kind of sick joke, and she's not laughing.

* * *

Merrill doesn't miss her youth, but the present is even less kind to her. To look forward is to put more faith in the idea that things can change than she has anymore, so she buries herself further and further into a past that predates her. Maybe the world was a safer, gentler place before she was around to see it.  
  
She throws herself into her studies. Some days she sees Hawke in the eluvian, along with all the other ghosts who come to visit.  
  
Life goes on.

**Author's Note:**

> so i was thinking about just how bad the worst-case scenario timeline would be for merrill. i also wanted to transition/blend her da:o and da2 personalities a bit.


End file.
